The Big Squeeze

Today was mammogram day. I had scheduled it in back August before the cancer diagnosis, but it was initially set for early October. However, the flu season hit the Group Health Capitol Hill mammography clinic then, and they reset it to today, Saturday.

I showed up a half hour early, was seen quickly and was able to get home ahead of the Husky-Duck football game. However, I can tell you that having it done so close in both time and proximity to the installation of the port in my chest made it even more exquisitely painful than normal. The woman who was my mammography technician, admitted that it was harder to properly position and xray small breasted women than those with larger ones. And for those of you who are unfamiliar with how to describe what a mammogram is like, I offer you this unsourced bit of humor that has, at its core, a kernel of truth:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test! Best of all, these simple exercises can be done at home.

Exercise 1
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in the door. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on it for good measure. Hold that position for 5 seconds. Repeat with other breast.

Exercise 2
Visit your garage at 3am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Remove your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back up the car until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Ask the stranger to smash the bookends together as hard as she can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared!

And, of course, click on the title for more humor.....